MY DOMESTIC ABUSE STORY

I am a victim of domestic abuse. 

From the age of 16 to (almost) 21, I was emotionally abused (luckily, not physically abused but it was close at points) by my high school sweetheart. 

It all started so innocently. I was 16, he was 17. I was in my fifth year of high school and he was a senior. It was a high school relationship with weekend dates to TGI Fridays and holding hands. And it was my first relationship.

I like to think if this hadn't been the only "love" I'd know, I wouldn't have tolerated it. I would have stepped back and addressed that his behaviour simply was not acceptable. 

But I let him get away with it. His excuse?

"I'm not jealous, I'm territorial.
'Jealous' is when you want something that is not yours.
'Territorial' is protecting what is already yours" 

It took me 3 years to realise that his idea of "territorial" was controlling me. This included sending abusive messages from my social media accounts to old friends (that he did not like - through no fault of their own) and then hiding all evidence so I was none the wiser, deleting and unfollowing friends, calling me at odd times to check where I was, watching my location on Find a Friend (iPhone app), guilt tripping me to cancel on work nights out, holidays with friends, parties and events.

It wasn't until recently that I heard of the term "gaslighting". According to google, this is the act of "manipulating (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity". Ironically, in the last year and a half of our relationships. I was crippled with anxiety and pumped up with anti-depressants. The arguments increased and so did his physical need to release his anger. Thankfully I escaped most of this, but witnessed many a wall or door or unit be kicked, punched, slammed etc. It wasn't until the threat to punch me made me realise that this was very wrong.

Just before our four year anniversary, I came to my senses. My friends (who my ex had tried to push away from me many a time) became wise to his tricks and showed me all that I had mistaken in the name of "love". 

I ended it. 

But it didn't stop there.

A month later, I was living my best single life. It was late December and I was celebrating the festivities when my ex showed up at the bar I was at. Oblivious to this, I partied on. It wasn't until a few hours in, I was pulled outside by the arm and shouted at for "purposely rubbing my new single life in his face". Thankfully (for me), my friends stepped in and I was safe. They, on the other hand, were threatened and one even pushed down the stairs. 

The weeks following that were terrifying. He started following me, parking in the same car park near my work, waiting around for me. 

I came back to my car one night after being on a Tinder date to find him waiting in his car. I clocked him and ran to the safety of my own car only to be stopped by him. He'd gathered every gift from the previous 4 years and threw them around the car park whilst screaming every word under the sun. I tried to get away, climbing into the car and trying to drive away. Only for him to sit in the front seat and refuse to get out. I called my dad, the police, anyone that could help me to which he eventually clocked and left. 

Coincidentally, I noticed the passenger and drivers seat doors on both sides had been keyed.

This was the final straw. I reported him to the police and a 6 month court case for harassment, vandalism and stalking began. Countless witness reports and court hearings took place. He admitted to all of it.

And the result? He walked away not guilty. 

To this day, I still see him. I am conscious that he still checks up on my social media. And I don't think I'll ever be able to walk home at night without checking behind me after every corner. 

Whilst I think the first step in fighting this behavior is reporting it, I'm disappointed that the justice system took the side of my abuser. And what did I get, a rape alarm from the local police department and a hefty repair bill to have my car resprayed. 

New Year, Same Me: My 2018 Resolutions

What a whirlwind 2017 was.

I feel like I spent a lot of 2017 "getting back on my feet". After a string of bad relationships, my mental health taking a bashing and a dodgy career move - I needed to take some time out to rebuild.

Thankfully, everything fell into place. I got my "old" job back and discovered what I ultimately want to do for a career, I reevaluated my life, saved up and moved into a flat and met a wonderful man that I'm lucky enough to call my boyfriend.


1. Focus on improving my mental health
As life got busy, I put my mental health issues into a box labelled "I'll deal with this when it next bothers me" (a mental box I frequently use). And not surprisingly, as the pressures of Christmas Day approached, I found myself feeling a little bit under the weather mentally.

I have major self confidence issues which, I think, stems from being cheated on and being in an abusive relationship. When I do experience love or affection, my mind defaults to this sense that I don't deserve it, that I'm worthless and why would anyone want to invest time in me?!

This is not healthy and is something I plan to focus on in 2018.

2. Pass my CII Financial Planning Exams
2017 was the year I figures out just what I want to do with my life and in late December, I enrolled myself in my first exam to begin the journey to obtaining my financial planning Diploma. The goal is to have passed two exams by June/July (so I better get started!!).

3. Read More
I definitely lost my reading mojo in 2017. In fact, I probably only read a maximum of 2 books cover to cover. Yet, my "to read" list is ever expanding. I'm starting small and setting a minimum goal of 5 books by the end of the year.

And that's that. My three resolutions for 2018: On health related, one career related and one personal.

Day-to-day ways to save money

Prior to moving out, I lived like a queen. A hot beverage from the coffee shop round the corner from my office became an everyday staple. Dining out multiple times a week and splashing ridiculous amounts on beauty treatments: You would think my debit card was a business card if you saw how often I handed it to other people.

I had absolutely no self control with money. And yet, I still managed to save and have some left over at the end of the month.

Then I moved out and everything changed.

After rent, my car payments, insurance, electricity, gas etc. etc. I am left with what I call my "negotiable spend". This money goes on food, maintaining a social life and general day-to-day spending. However I shortly realised after moving into my own place, my spending habits were going to have to seriously change if I wanted to maintain the quality of life (and cuisine) I was used to.

Almost 4 months later and I've got it down I'm starting to get to grips with my new "lifestyle" so thought I'd share my tips on what has helped the most.

1. Packed lunches and travel mugs are your best friend.
If, like me, you work 9-5, you will know how costly it can be buying your lunch at local cafe's. I'm trying to get into the routine of making a big pot of soup on a Sunday night. Depending on how much time I have, I'll sometimes buy the pre-cut veg for soup from Asda which is only about 75p and a total time saver.

2. DIY Beauty treatments
This is a big one if, like me, you enjoy treating yourself to a pamper every now and again. Since moving out, I now do my own eyebrow and eye lash tinting (not as scary as it sounds), nails and hair removal. Cutting these out of my monthly spend made a big difference. Sure you will make some mistakes, freak out that you've blinded yourself or sucked your skin into the epilator but think about all that money you're saving.

3. Take advantage of public transport. Skip taxi's and take the bus instead.
It's so easy to just flag a taxi down especially at this time of year when it's cold, 3am and you're wearing 6 inch heels. And sometimes there truly is no other options. But when possible, take advantage of public transport or even better, your legs. I live in the centre of town and have been guilty of flagging down a taxi rather than taking an extra 15 minutes to walk home. But doing this often can save so much buck.

4. Swap your usual shop for Aldi or Lidl. And stick to a shopping list (!!)
This is my biggest money saver. I've found myself making a huge saving just swapping my Asda shop for Aldi. Firstly, Aldi has fewer plush brands. Thus you're not so tempted by the huge array of finer choices. Also, writing and sticking to a shopping list allows you to only buy what you really need and reduce waste.

5. Bake in bulk.
I don't quite mean baking cakes, but instead, if you're making a lasagna, chilli, bolognaise etc. make that little bit extra and freeze. This makes for a perfect substitute for a dominos order on days you can't be bothered to cook.

6. Shop around for your gas & electricity providers.
This is one I preach but don't exactly practice myself (purely because I rent). But you can save hundreds per year just by swapping to a different provider. Even just swapping tariff's can make a difference (albeit small on a month by month basis).

2017 Wrapped Up

This time last year, I was in a bad place.

Not long out of an abusive 4 year relationship and seeing someone new who treated me like shit, I certainly was not in the festive spirit. I was simply "getting by" and wishing that Christmas would pass and the pressure "to be with the one you love" would stop making me feel like I was worthless and alone. With a mindset like that, my relationship with the people around me and unfortunate re-encounters with my ex, it's no surprise that I hit rock bottom and found myself on anti-depressants and crying to my GP.

Fast forward to May, I was feeling good. I had chucked the twat that treated me like shit for what I thought was the last time (spoiler, went back there one last time didn't it) and blew a good half of my savings on a trip to Thailand.

It was bloody amazing. It was the most independent I'd ever felt. I'd never traveled further than Europe and I most certainly caught "the bug". The bucket list is now bigger than ever.

 

Just before leaving for Thailand, I accepted a new job that would start soon after touching back down in the UK. Unfortunately, due to a lack of training and struggling with another bout of poor mental health, I lasted two months before accepting a better paid (but not quite in the right career direction) position at my old company.

And that is when things turned for me.

I went back into my old work place with a completely different mindset. Feeling older, more mature and so grateful for how lucky I had been, things took off. My position (once restricted to administration) branched into so many different avenues, from events to financial planning. I started a training plan to obtain my Dipoma in Financial Planning.

I moved out of my family home into my own flat: a big deal as someone who has always lived in the country to being right in the center of town. Whilst I'm still terrified of being hit with a bill I can't pay, I am loving the independence, being able to fill my little place with all my favourite things and cooking to my hearts content.

But best of all, I met my current boyfriend.

5 months later, we are still together and enjoying all the excitement that a relatively new relationship brings. Planning exciting plans ahead and celebrating Christmas together.
A lot can change in a year and I couldn't be happier.

The daunting first post..

I was a little unsure how best to tackle my first post on here. Do I get stuck in and write a full on article about a topic of my choice or start with an introduction and plan of what I intend with this wee spot of the internet.. and considering you are reading this, you will see I decided upon the latter.

I used to write a beauty blog. I started it when I was about 18 years old and maintained it for a while.. until I realised there was more to life than spending £60 on an eye shadow palette (not much more though...). I gave it up, packed it all in and took a break from writing.

But as time went on, I found that I missed venting my thoughts online. I missed being able to sit down with a cup of tea and type something out to relieve the stress of day to day life. Thus.. I'm back and trying things again with a new initiative.

I'm considering this a "lifestyle" blog. Not because I have a lifestyle to envy (no way, jose!) - I'm still trying to navigate how to pay my rent on a crap salary whilst also maintain a social life and train to become a financial planner. But because, I've seen a real gap in the market to write about the things I want to write about: whether that be how the new budget really affects like minded millennials like myself or how to make your own Christmas wreath. There is no theme, just what I want to write and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I like writing it.